In the following video, Judi talks about her experience with telling family and friends about the diagnosis:
In the next video, Dr Coyne and Ms Robertson discuss how to share concerns and develop good communication strategies in times of stress.
It can be difficult to talk to family and friends about a serious illness that does not have a good outcome. In your role as carer you will be approached by other family members and friends for information. Below are some tips for talking to your family and friends:
- Be honest about the situation
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help
- Allow them to ask questions
- Don’t be distressed by silences
- Set up a timetable
- Be honest about your feelings
- Give information in small chunks
- Make sure they understand before moving on to the next topic
- Set up a communication tree and nominate a family member to distribute information to other family and friends
- Nominate a friend / relative as a secretary for setting up appointments for visits
- Record a message on your answering machine
Expect Relationships to Change
Many people have little experience with life-threatening illnesses and don’t know what to say or how to act when someone has cancer. It may be frightening to some because it is a reminder that cancer can happen to anyone. Others may have lost a loved one to cancer, and the diagnosis in your friend or family member may bring up painful memories. For these reasons, some of your friends or family members may not be able to offer either of you the support that you expect. Although this is painful, try to remember that their reactions are not just a reflection of how much they care about you both, but also may reflect their own past experiences and losses. Although some friends and family members may distance themselves, others will surprise you with emotional and physical support throughout the illness.
Take the Lead in Talking
Some friends and family members may avoid talking with you or your friend/family member because they don’t know what to say. Others may avoid talking about cancer, fearing that they will upset you both. If you feel like talking about the cancer, bring up the subject with friends and family members and let them know that it’s okay for them to talk about it. Reassure them that you don’t expect answers; you only want them to listen and try to understand your feelings. It is also okay to tell people when you don’t want to talk about the cancer. Sometimes you might prefer to talk about normal things or to laugh with friends.
Stay Involved in Social Activities
As much as possible, try to maintain social contact with friends and family. Your friends might assume that you and your friend or family member don’t want to be invited to social events, so let them know to keep inviting you, if that is your preference. Meanwhile, let people know about his/her physical limitations; most people will be happy to plan quiet activities, such as going to the movies or making lunch at his/her house. And don’t be afraid to cancel a date if your friend or family member is physically or emotionally tired.
Let People Help You
People will likely want to help you both, but they might not know what you need or how to ask you. Be specific, direct, and explicit about your needs and try not to make assumptions about who will help and who will not. Prepare a list of tasks that people can do for you. For example, ask them to do your laundry, walk the dog, pick up kids after school when you have an appointment, or keep others updated on your friend or family member’s progress. However, if you find that you have a well-meaning but overbearing person who is complicating your efforts, you or a close family member will need to set limits. This may be difficult but it is best to be direct and let them know exactly what you need and can tolerate. One way to approach this is to say “I appreciate your involvement, but you being here every day is making him/her tired. The best way you can help us is by coming by on a… [name a specific day or time].”
Asking for and accepting help
People often offer to help, but it is hard to think of anything to do.
Make it a policy to say ‘Yes’ when you are offered help. Allowing others to help you care for your friend or family member makes them feel helpful, useful and gives them a sense of contributing to the care of you both.
On the following page is a list of useful things that someone can do to help you both. If someone offers to help, you can pick one of the suggestions on the next page or give the person offering help the list so they can choose for themselves. Make multiple copies of this sheet to give to other people who offer to help.