Do these simple stress reducing strategies to help get you through the more difficult times. Click any of the items in the list to jump to the section of this page that discusses that topic.
- Focus on what matters
- Benefit-finding and reminding
- Finding meaning in ordinary events
- Allow yourself to laugh
- Set your personal goals
1. Focus on what matters
It’s easy to get caught up in day-to-day demands and chores. Don’t lose sight of the bigger picture… of why these activities matter.
When you need to boost your energy, it can be helpful to think about what is most important to you. When you feel emotionally and physically exhausted, refocus on what really matters. Focusing on the bigger picture can help you to make better choices and keep up your energy during difficult times.
Below you’ll see many examples of Things that Matter to a Range of People. Some of them may be important to you. If any of the Things that Matter below matter to you, jot them down in your Notebook. You can also jot down some of your own ideas. It’s good to reflect upon them from time to time. Alternatively, you can print out this whole page to highlight and fill in.
To help Focus on what matters, we suggest you write a list of what matters to you and why it matters.
Carer Stories: Steve
Things that matter to Steve:
Fatherhood – Being a good Dad to Margo is important.
Fitness – It’s important for me to feel fit and have the energy to do the things I have to do on a daily basis
Compassion – I pride myself on being loving and caring to the people in my life
Fun/ Laughter – My motto is, “Laughter is the best medicine”. If I’m feeling down I like to watch comedies. Kelly and I often have a good laugh at some of the silly things we do. Laughing and joking helps us to get over tensions in our relationship. We try not to always take ourselves too seriously.
Dependability – I need to know that my family and friends can depend on me… that I am seen as reliable and responsible
Growth – I think what really helps me during tough times, is that I am learning. I am learning about who I am as I meet different challenges as a carer. I am growing as a person when I cope with some of the changes that have happened in our lives.
Carer Stories: Alice
Things that matter to Alice:
Family – Being a good Mum is important, but I also want to show Jack that you must look after yourself as well as others
Autonomy/ Independence – I like to have “me time” and I want Jack to be strong and independent
Dependability – I hope that Jack knows that she can depend upon me
Faith – Through my religion, I have trust that God will help us to work through the problems that happen in life. My faith helps me in lots of ways to cope with the challenges that occurred since Jack got sick.
Health – Looking after my own health and wellbeing is really important to me
Carer Stories: Hattie
Things that matter to Hattie:
Fun/ Laughter – I like a good laugh. When I go to Bridge, my friends and I often misbehave. We’re supposed to be a bit serious when we’re playing, which can make it even more fun. Kirra and I can still have a laugh. When I’m feeling upset or frustrated, I try and remember lots of funny naughty things that we used to do as kids. It helps.
Challenge – I’ve always liked to push myself. I can be pretty persistent… some would say stubborn and so I don’t give up easily if there is a problem I need to beat.
Beauty – Nature and things of beauty have always given me pleasure. I can look at a painting or a garden bed for ages. I love rich colours and smells.
Family & Friendships – Even though I’ve never had children of my own, I value family very much. I grew up in a very close family. Over the years, I’ve also learned the importance of having good friendships. I like to think that we all lean on each other in good times and bad.
2. Benefit-finding and reminding
Finding a silver lining
Some people describe how they have gained something positive in the midst of difficult times. Take time to think about:
- ways in which you have grown,
- the skills and knowledge you have gained,
- a deepened spirituality or understanding of the world,
- changes in relationships with others,
- other benefits that have come from your caring experience.
Try remembering these benefits when you are feeling down.
Thinking about some of the benefits of silver linings you may find in your role as a carer… You may want to jot them down in your Notebook. You can record them in your notebook for times when it would be helpful to reflect upon them.
3. Finding meaning in ordinary events
This strategy is a bit like the old adage, “take time to smell the roses”.
Try to “stay in the moment” when you’re having a cup of tea, really enjoying the taste and relaxation or take some time to focus upon and enjoy a beautiful sunset. Reflecting on these moments can provide an emotional “time out” from anxiety and worry.
4. Allow yourself to laugh
While some people find the idea of having fun or laughing during this time unfathomable or even disrespectful, some people use humour and laughing as a coping mechanism. There is no one way to cope and so, as with much information, take what is useful to you and your family.
Humour is one of the healthiest and most powerful ways to help during life’s difficult experiences.
To find humour during a stressful time, think about what typically can make you laugh and bring it into your day.
- Don’t feel guilty about your laughter. Enjoy these moments and know that they will help restore your energy and perspective.
- Research has shown that laughter and humour can provide relief and even help survival.
- It may, at first, feel like a challenge to find humour during a hard time, but if you actively look for it, hopefully, you will find it.
Thinking about some of the Things that Make you Laugh… You may want to print this exercise out or jot some ideas down in your Notebook, or read any of the examples below. You can save them to your notebook to remind you when needed.
5. Set your personal goals
Sometimes when a loved one gets sick, our lives can change enormously. Sometimes the plans that we had before we started caring for some with a serious illness change. Our original plans and goals may not be possible any more or they may have to be postponed. The awareness that our plans and goals need to be changed can create a lot of stress.
Putting important goals on hold, or even having to give them up, involves loss.
It is not unusual for carers to feel sadness, anger and resentment about this loss. You may need to think about new plans or goals that fit better with the demands of your loved one’s illness. Thinking of realistic personal goals can help us to think of the bigger picture. Personal goals can keep us motivated and energized.
Before we think about how to set or reset personal goals, let’s have a look at some examples of personal goals…
Set your Personal Goals in line with the Things that Matter to You
Can you relate to any of those goals we’ve just seen? Have you needed to put any goals on hold or give them up? Now you may have a clearer picture of what we mean by personal goals, you may want to reset some of your goals. You may need to set your sights on brand new goals or some existing goals may need just need adjusting.
If you would like to read about three steps that can help to reset your goals read on….
STEP 1. Think about the goals you had before your friend or relative became ill. They may have to do with goals you had for your family or at work. Some of these goals will no longer matter. Others will still matter, but are no longer realistic at the moment. Let go of goals, at least for now, that no longer matter or that are no longer possible. Letting go of these goals will lessen frustration, anger, and anxiety. You may still feel sad and possibly resentful and angry.
In Strategy 1: Focus on What Really Matters, we thought about the things that really matter to you. So, keep those in mind when you work through this next step…
STEP 2. Identify new goals that matter and that are realistic. Even with new responsibilities and changes that may have occurred since you took on a carer role, it is possible to set new goals that feel good to achieve. It is important to set realistic goals and keep yourself motivated. You will feel better if the new goals you set are in line with the things that matter to you. At the moment, some of the more possible goals may be related to your role as a carer.
At first, it can help to focus on short-term goals over the next days or weeks. These can be very concrete goals – the sort that you’d put on a To-Do list for the day. It is often helpful to make a daily To-Do list that includes tasks that you are likely to get done that day or the next. Try to make these goals as realistic as possible. If you set yourself up to be successful, you’ll feel more capable and in control.
STEP 3. In caring relationships, long-term goals are often shared between the carer and the person who is ill. If possible, talk together about your shared long-term goals. What is it that you each want for the other and for yourself? These conversations can help you to understand more about what matters to your friend or relative. These conversations can also help you to feel closer to the person and to help shape new goals. They can also decrease anxiety for both of you.