When a family member or close friend is suffering from a serious illness, it can be a cause of emotional distress for children.
Research indicates that children are often aware that something is not right in the family even before they are told of a loved one’s diagnosis. Adults often underestimate how much information children should or want to be told in a difficult situation.
Children who are informed and have the information they need according to their age, developmental stage and emotional maturity are likely to be better prepared and have less anxiety.
If you are having problems speaking to your children or grandchildren about what is happening to your friend or relative, help is available. Good sources of help include cancer nurse coordinators and social workers.
The Cancer Council has a PDF booklet available called “Talking to Kids About Cancer” . Canteen is also an excellent resource if your children are older or in their adolescent years. This book offers good suggestions and advice about different areas of the cancer journey, including diagnosis, treatment, and dealing with progressive cancer.
Some tips from this book follows:
“You are the expert. Don’t be afraid that you won’t be able to talk with your children about cancer. As a parent who knows and cares about your children, you are the best person to do this.”
Why tell your children?
Evidence shows that children who are not told about the cancer diagnosis have more problems with anxiety than children who are told.
Children are observant and pick up on your emotions of worry and anxiety. They may fantasize about what is causing the changes at home and these fantasies can be much worse than reality. They can also feel deeply hurt if they discover that they have been excluded from something very important that affects them.
Children who are involved and are aware of the situation tend to be more balanced and adaptable individuals with greater self-esteem
How to help your children cope
Cancer is often a stressful and difficult topic. There are many strategies for communicating with children about cancer that can help them cope.
- Only give them small amounts of information at a time.
- Give them time and opportunity to ask questions.
- If you cannot answer a question, be honest about that. Offer to tell them the answers when you know them or after you have spoken to someone else.
- Ask them how they feel.
- Ask them what they have heard from others.
- Make sure you understand the facts before you speak to them.
Helpful communication tips
When it is time to talk to children about the diagnosis, you may follow these tips to ensure that it causes as little confusion and distress as possible.
- Describe the illness and treatment. Use appropriate language for your children’s age. Read picture books to younger children.
- Practice your explanations. Your discussions will be most effective if you know beforehand what you are going to say and the words you will use, and if you are calm and able to focus on your children’s questions.
- When you talk to your children, there is no way to predict their response. They may surprise you with their insight, or they may have their own ideas and explanations. Avoid overcorrecting them and allow them the chance to offer their own explanations as well.
- Young children may think they (or someone else) may have done something to cause the cancer. If this idea comes up as you talk to your children, reassure them that no one causes cancer to happen. If your children do not raise the idea, then you should avoid talking about fault, as it could lead them to wonder if, in fact, they did have a role.
- Explain that cancer is not contagious. Young children think all illnesses are caught like colds. Assure them that no one in the family will get cancer as a result of spending time with the ill family member.
- Be honest and realistic. It is best to offer realistic but hopeful information so that children do not feel scared or confused if things happen differently than you suggest.
- Prepare for treatments. They can have side effects, such as hair and weight loss, that can frighten children and will make people look different. Prepare kids beforehand, and explain that treatments are helpful even if they look very unpleasant.
- Let children help. Allowing your kids to be involved in small caregiving tasks will make them feel helpful; make sure the tasks you involve them in are appropriate for their age and do not burden them with stress.
- Use resources and educational material. There is an abundance of helpful books and websites that will prepare you with age-appropriate language and tools for how to discuss illness and death with children of all ages and levels of cognitive development.
Who can help a child?
- Your specialists and GP: not all doctors feel comfortable discussing how to talk to children about cancer. It will depend on the doctor and the relationship you and the person you care for have with them. Ask them if they can help.
- Nurses: may be the most constant contact you have when you are helping organise you relative or friend’s treatment and are a source of valuable information and support. Good sources of help include the Cancer Nurse Coordinator or the Social Worker.
- The Oncology Social Work department at the hospital where you take your relative or friend for treatment: they can also help you work out together the best type of professional help for your family’s needs.
- Psychologists and counsellors: these professionals can help you both work through communication and behavioural issues with children. Call the Cancer Council Helpline for ideas on how to find a psychologist or counsellor experienced in the area.
- Cancer organisations: Cancer Council and CanTeen have programs that may help. See Resources
- School counsellors and some teachers are trained in child development and can be an enormous source of support and ideas.